Written at Ben Gurion Airport waiting for a flight to India, when a worker’s strike is announced…
May I have your attention please.
The airport management regrets to inform you that due to workers’ sanctions there is a delay in all departures until further notice. The management regrets the inconvenience to passengers and extends its apologizes [sic] to all passengers.
May I have your attention please
The airport management regrets to inform you that a strike has been declared. We didn’t declare it, but it’s been declared. Even though we didn’t declare it, we’re still extending our apologies for the inconvenience it is causing all passengers, even though it’s not our fault and we didn’t declare it.
May I have your attention please.
The airport management regrets to inform you that due to the pre-recorded nature of this intercom system, this message will be repeated until further notice.
May I have your attention please.
The airport management wishes to remind you that all unattended luggage will be confiscated and possibly destroyed. We also wish to remind you that the entire airport has been designated a no-smoking area.
May I have your attention please.
The airport management regrets to inform you that you are still living in a Third-World country with only one airport where a handful of employees can bring hundreds of flights and thousands of passengers to a grinding halt.
May I have your attention please.
The airport management regrets to inform you that you will in all likelihood miss your connection flights and that you will have to argue and haggle with foreign airline companies all over the world in many languages you don’t understand to get new tickets. We also regret to inform you that you will in most likelihood have to fork out a substantial amount of cash you weren’t planning on forking out on hotels and extra transport.
May I have your attention please.
The airport management regrets to inform you that, as the workers’ sanction continues and more and more passengers fill the departures hall, you will all start to fill a little cramped and uneasy. Tempers may rise as the hall fills up so keep it cool people. Some of you may even fight for available seats. Please remember that if you leave your seat to go to the bathroom or the kiosk, and leave your luggage unattended, your luggage may be confiscated and destroyed.
May I have your attention please.
The airport management regrets to inform you that no matter who you think you know in the National Labor Court, the Airports Union, the Histadrut Labor Federation, or any other big-shot you may think owes you a favor for something you did for them ten years ago, those irritating little phone calls you people are making to try and move the management – worker negotiations along are not having any effect at all and are just irritating the airport management.
May I have your attention please.
For those of you who have just arrived in the departures hall, come closer, don’t be shy.
May I have your attention please.
The airport management regrets to inform you that it makes no difference how long you stare at the electronic information board. You are not in charge of this strike. We are. Now go sit down and don’t leave your luggage unattended.
May I have your attention. [See I've stopped saying please?]
Those of you who are mulling about the check-in counter trying to get information from the staff there just back off slowly. The check-in staff don’t know anything about the workers’ strike and anyone of them who says otherwise is a liar.
May I have your attention, motherfucker.
Didn’t I just tell you to step back from the counter? You think I’m kidding here? Try me punk. You see those guards coming closer? They don’t have stun guns.
