Ring ring. Ring ring. Prime Minister’s Office how may I help you?
Yes, hello this is chief of staff Gabi Ashkenazi. Can I speak to Prime Minister Netanyahu please?
What’s it about?
It’s a delicate matter that needs urgent attention. I really can’t talk about it with you. Could you please put me through to the prime minister?
Well, let me see, since it sounds like you’re talking about a security matter, I have to ask you, have you gone through the proper channels before trying to reach the Prime Minister? You know of course that he is extremely busy, being the prime minister, the minister for economic strategy, the pensioner’s affairs minister, and the health minister. Have you spoken to his military secretary first?
No, I haven’t had the time to…what’s his number?
Oops, actually, since I’m new here, I forgot to mention that according to protocol, before you can speak to the prime minister about delicate matters that need urgent attention you must first have spoken to the head of the National Security Council. Have you done that?
No, I haven’t, what’s his number?
Hold on I’ll put you through to reception at the NSC.
Ring ring. Ring ring. Hello?
Yes, hello this is chief of staff Gabi Ashkenazi, I need to speak to the head of the National Security Council.
What’s it about?
It’s a delicate matter that needs urgent attention, I really can’t talk about it with you.
Well, I’m afraid the NSC chief is currently in an urgent meeting, something to do with an American visa issue. Can he get back to you?
Well I really need to speak to him now so that I can get approval to speak to the Prime Minister. I believe that the head of the NSC is the one that draws up the PM’s agenda, and tells him who he can talk to and about what.
Yes that’s true, but like I said, the chief is currently involved in a meeting dealing with a delicate matter than needs urgent attention. Why don’t you try the Strategic Affairs Minister, perhaps he can help you.
Um, ok, I’m really pressed for time, do you have his number?
Hold on, let me have a look, it’s probably the same number from a few years ago. Ahh, here it is, let me patch you through.
Ring ring. Ring ring. Hello?
Yes, hello, hi, this is chief of staff Gabi Ashkenazi, who am I speaking to?
[Deep, grave sounding voice with Mahler playing in the background] This is the minister for strategic threats assessments speaking.
Oh, its you, hi Bogey, what’s up?
Don’t call me that. I’m the minister for strategic threats assessments now.
Sorry Bogey, um, I mean minister Bogey. Sorry. Minister. What are you doing there anyhow? I thought you were over at the education ministry?
No Bibi gave that one to that silly civilian Saar. It was a strategic mistake. It’s a threat. Very grave.
Anyway, listen Minister, I need you to tell the head of the NSC to tell the Prime Minister’s Military Secretary to patch me through to the Prime Minister.
Is it urgent?
Yes, very.
Is it delicate?
Yes, delicate.
What is it about?
Well I really don’t think I can talk to you about it over this line, sorry Bogey.
Don’t call me that.
Sorry.
No worries. Can you give me a hint, like in code words, so that I’ll be able to assess if it’s a strategic threat and something I need to warn people about in a very grave voice?
It’s very hush hush minister.
Ahh, I see. That’s very grave. Can you tell me more?
Well, just that it’s very very hush hush.
Oh wow! Listen Gabi they won’t let me deal with the very very hush hush stuff, I think you need to talk to the head of the Mossad.
Um, ok, I guess, do you have his number? Shit Bogey we’re really running out of time.
Don’t call me that.
Sorry.
And don’t swear, when I’m education minister I’ll stamp that out.
Sorry.
I don’t seem to have the head of the Mossad’s telephone number here, it’s a new office and there’s really just me here and this desk and phone. Um, why don’t you try calling the new Minister in Charge of the Intelligence Services? I’m sure he could get you the Mossad chief on the line.
Um, ok, thanks. Can you patch me through?
Sorry Gabi I don’t know how to work this phone yet, it’s a big one with a lot of flashing lights and buttons and I don’t want to press the wrong button by mistake, or send you to some other ministry or something, you know how crazy this bureaucracy can get. Why don’t you call information?
Ok thanks Bogey. Sorry. Minister.
Good luck Gabi.
Ring ring. Ring ring. [Bezeq information tune]
Thank you for calling Bezeq 144, the best solution for everything you want to find. Your call is important to us. You are number 32 in line. Please stay on the line and one of our dedicated operators will reach you soon.
You are number 17 in line.
You are number 4 in line.
You are number..
Shalom and thank you for calling Bezeq 144 information, your best solution for everything you want to find, this is Moron speaking how may I help you?
Hi Moron, this is chief of staff Gabi Ashkenazi speaking, can you please find me the number of the office of the minister in charge of the intelligence services?
What city is that office in sir?
Jerusalem, I think.
Ok please hold while I search…
………
……..
General Ashkenazi? I’m afraid that number isn’t listed. Are you sure that’s the correct name of the ministry?
Um, I think so. Try the Ministry for Intelligence Agencies oversight.
Ok please hold while I search….
…….
…….
General Ashkenazi I’m afraid that number is not listed. I do however have a number in Jerusalem for an office with a similar name: the Knesset Subcommittee for Intelligence and Secret Services. Is that what you were looking for?
Not really, but patch me through to them anyway, maybe someone there can help me.
Ring ring. Ring ring. [Muffled, hushed voice] Hello?
Hello, yes, this is Gabi Ashkenazi, who is this?
Oh hi Gabi its Dan Meridor. How did you get this number?
Don’t ask. Listen Dan I’m glad I caught you there, I was trying to reach you at your new ministry, I need to talk to Bibi, urgent, it’s very very hush hush. They said I have to go through the director of the Mossad. By the way, what are you doing in the Knesset, why aren’t you at your new office?
Don’t ask. It’s such a balagan. I don’t have an office yet. Not even a secretary. The secret services don’t want to cooperate with me. Nobody there is talking to me or answering my calls. I left messages at the Mossad director’s office, at the Shabak, and the Atomic Energy Agency. I didn’t know what to do, I was at my wits end. So I came to this office after hours to go through some of the paperwork here, see if I can get the names and cell phone numbers of some of those people working under the directors of the Mossad and Shabak. Maybe they’ll talk to me. But all I see in these documents are the first letters of people, not full names. There’s one cell phone number here for T. Maybe you can try that number?
Ok give it to me please.
050 — —–
Thanks.
No problem. Um, Gabi, do you mind keeping this between us? I don’t want anyone to know I was in here looking through files and stuff.
Ok. Fine.
Ring ring. Ring ring. Hello?
Hi, this is Gabi Ashkenazi, is this T?
No, this is T’s wife R. Would you like to speak to T?
Yes please.
What’s it about?
I’m afraid I can’t talk to you about it.
Ok hold on I’ll get T.
Hi G, this is T. What’s up?
You don’t have to call me G, you can use my full name.
I prefer it this way, so what’s up G?
Can you put me through to the director of the Mossad please? I need him to patch me through to Bibi. It’s a delicate matter that needs urgent attention, very hush hush.
No problem, but G, let me ask you, have you tried going directly through the Defense Minister? He is your boss after all, and he has direct access to Bibi.
I’m not so comfortable doing that T. My boss is kind of erratic these days, and I just don’t feel I can really rely on him. One day he says this, the other day he says that.
I know how frustrating that can be G, it happens here all the time. I’ll patch you through to the Mossad director, I believe he’s currently with the prime minister.
Ring ring. Ring ring. Hello?
Hi MD it’s T. I’ve got G on the line, not that G, the other G. He wants to talk to BB. He says it’s delicate and urgent.
Tell him to hold the line, we’re in the kitchen cabinet and it’s really crowded in here and there’s a lot of shouting and pushing. Sarah is also here. We’re trying to get some of the other guys out of the kitchen and into the other security cabinet but they don’t want to go.
And in any case, have you checked if he’s gone through all the right channels?